One peaceful day in Koopa Kingdom, also colloquially known as Dark Land, Bowser, the King of the Koopas, received a letter from one of his Hammer Brother servants. "Another proposal to begin a career as a Disney character?" he wondered. He sat down on his throne and began to read.
Bowser laughed and burned the paper with a short breath of fire. "Silly Ganon," thought he, "always putting the sole weapon with which you can be defeated in your own dungeon directly in front of the boss room!"
"Dear Bowser,
I am your biggest fan! I played all of your games, I watched all of your shows, I know all your (and your kids') castles by heart from studying various sources. You are my inspiration, for I am a villain too. I turn to my Bowser Shrine for advice. I seek your way in my being, my doing and my evildoing. I admire you.
Yet, I couldn't help but notice that your plans to (rightfully!) overthrow the Mushroom Kingdom always seem to... How can I put this gently?... insta-fail. While you may have grand ambitions and a brilliant mind, your schemes often suggest otherwise. I mean, hello? Not using the Star Rod you got in Paper Mario AT ALL just until Mario had arrived? You could have built a new world order in that time! But alas, I do not want to criticize your strategies. No, in contrary, I want to offer you constructive comments on how to improve them.
Take, for example, your fight with that pesky Mario in Level 8-4 of Super Mario Bros. This is what it looked like.
Notice how Mario can quickly seize the opportunity to jump between you and your projectiles and use the somewhat stupidly-placed — no, really, it IS stupidly-placed — axe to cut off the bridge.
This is what it SHOULD have looked like.
Notice how Mario will die right now.
Now let's review your strategy in Super Mario Bros. 3. You try to stomp the plumber in a room that's made out of breakable blocks WHILE being overweight? Who told you that idea? Lemmy? Never listen to Lemmy.
Now take a look at my, optimized version:
And falls to his doom.
Last on this list but by far not the least of your epic mistakes was your fight atop your castle in Super Mario World. No one knows why exactly you decided to throw Mechakoopas out of your Clown Car, but well, shift happens, and Mario used them to crush you. But using another weapon, you could have easily crushed HIM. That weapon being OVERKILL.
I hope I could make you clear how much your plans — excuse the expression — sucked. Not only these three, but also adding bombs to your battlefields in Super Mario 64, marking your bathtub's vulnerable spots in Super Mario Sunshine and many more.
I still am your biggest fan.
Signed, Ganondorf
Note from Spacepope4u: Do enjoy Artemendo's work at his blog, Waluigious.
2 comment(s):
This is great- real nice reading.
Of course, it's a problem all videogame bosses have nowadays- they should be defending their "weak spot" instead of having it waving arond and flashing a different colour from the rest of their body. Hmm.
And don't even get me started on Robotnik/Eggman in the Sonic games...
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